SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for accident.

I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Permitted vehicles not allowed.

Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding.

Solutions are not the answer.

I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife.

If only faces could talk...

I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity.

Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?

I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.

I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever.

We're going to move left and right at the same time.

I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad.

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison.

Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!

If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish,
they'll fish for a lifetime.

Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.

I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness.

How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.

This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time.

You guys line up alphabetically by height.

The internet is a great way to get on the net.

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.

Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil.

Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Look up for inspiration, down for concentration but don’t look side to side for information.

Is tuna really Chicken?" - Jessica Simpson, after reading "Tuna, Chicken of the sea.”

I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down.

Dying is just natures way of saying 'Hey! Your not alive anymore!

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.

They misunderestimated me!

I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose.

Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it.

I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states.

A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation.

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass

I'm the consul for information, but I don't have any information.

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.

I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents.

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.

I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

A day without sunshine is like night.

You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.

dont look at me in that tone of voice

if you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

I swear to drunk I'm not God

They are 3 types of people--people who know how to count and-- people who dont know how to count.

Two wrongs dont make a right... but three rights make a left

WARNING: Being too open minded can lead to brains falling out

Just because I'm stupid doesn't mean I'm dumb.

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!

I'm not going to argue, but I'm right!

I am not drunk, I am precisely intoxicated.

you may call me may call me dumb...and may even call me stupid...

If it's not here, it only means one thing... its somewhere else!

Dumb people are just blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are.”

I don't want to sit next to the person behind me.

China is a big country with a lot of Chinese people living there.

Im not stupid im just unsmart!!

The next time you see me screaming just tell me to stop looking into the mirror

Stupidity is more than a state of mind... It is also a fruit cake.

you should not think too hard because it hurts

the difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits
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